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Thoughts from the depressed

Surviving with mental health issues

About the author

So…let me tell you a little about myself.

I’m a 39 year old father, husband, son, brother, co-worker, US Army Veteran and probably a guy you’d pass on the street and not remember his face.  I’m also one of millions in the US battling with mental health issues.  Depression, Depersonalization, Derealization, PTSD, yup…that sums up where I am in my life.  I was energetic, I was happy, I was the life of the party.  I’ve got a terrific life, dont get me wrong…great son, great wife…but more and more I’ll open up and show you that mental health issues dont discriminate, and that there is no typical “face of mental health”

Featured post

Again….


I sit knowing it’s going to come back.

I sit numb again 

I sit with the low that only comes with another attack.

I sit numb again

I felt empowered.  I felt alive.  I felt free from the monotony of pills.

Sitting.  Staring.  Empty walls waiting to come down.

I sit numb again

When will the black veil drape over me.

I sit numb again

I sit numb 

I sit

Time will tell when I am back in my hell.

Never

It never stops.

It never goes away.

No matter how hard we try … 

Where do you go?

BG_Psych_Ward_06_resized-1Where do you go to hide the pain?

Where do you go?

The hurt stabs… the hurt cuts… the hurt makes me want to say goodbye to all that once was me.

I go deeper and deeper inside. I shelter in place.

I don’t want to talk…
I don’t think…
I am blank.

A warm happiness flows over

Take this handful of relief, take it and finally say thank you to everything I ever was.

Everything I ever could have been

Everything I should have been

Everything I was supposed to be for everyone else.

Euphoria

The eyes get heavy and the heart slows. It’s always been slow, but now it’s black.

Now…it’s all black

Relapse

My life stops on a dime, quicker than any brake pad.  I once was happy, now my switch has flipped…the light goes off in my soul. I’m dark and ruined.  The tears trickle down, a low mist…enough for me to know, but enough for me to hide the pain.  I keep it quiet, not wanting my darkness to flow over the joy of a mom and son.  The laughing, the fun… ohh how I wish to engage….no, I don’t want to engage.  I am ruined and broken. I am warm and numb, disconnected from a life that once was.  The words stream.  Soon, I’ll sleep.  What tomorrow holds? If there is a tomorrow.

Chaos

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Conversations, songs, thoughts, feelings, body disconnecting…the dog, the tv, a memory.

The flags blowing, work, a prayer, the pain in my shoulder…flip over.

Eyes open, eyes shut…the cat purring, another lyric, over and over and over and over and over.

Amanda, Aidan, Mom, Dad, Kelly, Christa, Adam, Lachlan, Liam, Asa, Aria, Cara, Paul, Ken, Kristin, Wiz, Echo, Eden, Salem, Sammy, Moony, Molly, Sammy, Sarge, Jeffrey, my Rolodex of friends over and over and over and over.

The door opens, the door shuts, the dog barking outside, the bathroom light creeping in.

My heart, my anxiety, back in my body, numb, back in my body, numb.

She tries to be quiet, my soulmate, in to bed, the cat, the other cat.  The deep breathing of her sleep.

The thoughts, another lyric, over and over and over and over and over.

My diet, my negative self-image, the thought of waking up, the thought of sleeping.

Heavy

I heard the greatest song today….

It really does speak volumes, I almost feel like Linkin Park snuck in my head and pulled the words right out.  Or maybe they’re watching my blog posts

Click the link and sit back and enjoy

Heavy

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Tired

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I am tired of the hurt.

I am tired of the pain.

I am tired of the sorrow running through my vein.

I am tired of this year.

I am tired of the fear.

I am tired of waiting for the happiness to appear.

I slowly look around at the sights.

I slowly look into the lights

I awake to a warmth in spite of the hurt that once was.

There are tears, shed over many beers.

There is food and there is comfort.

There is a sigh that I no longer have to lie.

For tomorrow has come and I am no longer glum

I am finally free.

Free to be me.

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Strangers

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So many strangers walk by

So many times I want to cry

Wont you talk to me?

Do I not look normal?

I’m not scary, am I?

Empty faces walking to empty places

I sit quietly watching strangers

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