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Thoughts from the depressed

Surviving with mental health issues

About the author

So…let me tell you a little about myself.

I’m a 39 year old father, husband, son, brother, co-worker, US Army Veteran and probably a guy you’d pass on the street and not remember his face.  I’m also one of millions in the US battling with mental health issues.  Depression, Depersonalization, Derealization, PTSD, yup…that sums up where I am in my life.  I was energetic, I was happy, I was the life of the party.  I’ve got a terrific life, dont get me wrong…great son, great wife…but more and more I’ll open up and show you that mental health issues dont discriminate, and that there is no typical “face of mental health”

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Featured post

The Day

So I’ve scared the ones I love with my black tongue

I’ve scarred the ones I love with my black soul

I struggle to find the right time to open up, tell them I’m low.

Tell the the fears and thoughts.

I am an observer in my own life.

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Just One More Day

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Get up drive. The grind of life, he sips his coffee and shares a smile

Inside he’s damaged…break out break out smash the wall it’s time to roar!

Just one more day shove the pills, shove the needle you can make it through the pain

Wipe the tears, wipe the fears you can make it through the rain.

Alone and broken lay a conscious mind damaged from the past.

The stab of loss turns the pain out, turns the pain inside with the sharp edge of reality

Alone they walk by staring at the waste

Hundreds, thousands step over the discarded scrap of society.

Assumptions and ignorance they don’t sit at our table the abandoned.

Stepping over the abandonment.

Just one more day shove the pills, shove the needle you can make it through the pain

Wipe the tears, wipe the fears you can make it through the rain.

A voice emerges, a hand holds out.

The hands been there the hand hurts the voice cracks a familiar pain.

Awake and step to life, it’s time to soar.  The leader what shit he’s become.

The cycle can’t repeat not this time

Just one more day shove the pills, shove the needle you can make it through the pain

Wipe the tears, wipe the fears you can make it through the rain

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Blank Space

I want my mind to be a blank space 

It’s safer that way

No more torture, hurt, doubt.

No more pain, fear, no more jump!

No more goodbyes, hellos or monotony of the day

If I were blank I’d have no fears, no torture.

I want my mind to be a blank space

It’s safer that way  

Again….


I sit knowing it’s going to come back.

I sit numb again 

I sit with the low that only comes with another attack.

I sit numb again

I felt empowered.  I felt alive.  I felt free from the monotony of pills.

Sitting.  Staring.  Empty walls waiting to come down.

I sit numb again

When will the black veil drape over me.

I sit numb again

I sit numb 

I sit

Time will tell when I am back in my hell.

Never

It never stops.

It never goes away.

No matter how hard we try … 

Where do you go?

BG_Psych_Ward_06_resized-1Where do you go to hide the pain?

Where do you go?

The hurt stabs… the hurt cuts… the hurt makes me want to say goodbye to all that once was me.

I go deeper and deeper inside. I shelter in place.

I don’t want to talk…
I don’t think…
I am blank.

A warm happiness flows over

Take this handful of relief, take it and finally say thank you to everything I ever was.

Everything I ever could have been

Everything I should have been

Everything I was supposed to be for everyone else.

Euphoria

The eyes get heavy and the heart slows. It’s always been slow, but now it’s black.

Now…it’s all black

Relapse

My life stops on a dime, quicker than any brake pad.  I once was happy, now my switch has flipped…the light goes off in my soul. I’m dark and ruined.  The tears trickle down, a low mist…enough for me to know, but enough for me to hide the pain.  I keep it quiet, not wanting my darkness to flow over the joy of a mom and son.  The laughing, the fun… ohh how I wish to engage….no, I don’t want to engage.  I am ruined and broken. I am warm and numb, disconnected from a life that once was.  The words stream.  Soon, I’ll sleep.  What tomorrow holds? If there is a tomorrow.

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