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Thoughts from the depressed

Surviving with mental health issues

Chaos

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Conversations, songs, thoughts, feelings, body disconnecting…the dog, the tv, a memory.

The flags blowing, work, a prayer, the pain in my shoulder…flip over.

Eyes open, eyes shut…the cat purring, another lyric, over and over and over and over and over.

Amanda, Aidan, Mom, Dad, Kelly, Christa, Adam, Lachlan, Liam, Asa, Aria, Cara, Paul, Ken, Kristin, Wiz, Echo, Eden, Salem, Sammy, Moony, Molly, Sammy, Sarge, Jeffrey, my Rolodex of friends over and over and over and over.

The door opens, the door shuts, the dog barking outside, the bathroom light creeping in.

My heart, my anxiety, back in my body, numb, back in my body, numb.

She tries to be quiet, my soulmate, in to bed, the cat, the other cat.  The deep breathing of her sleep.

The thoughts, another lyric, over and over and over and over and over.

My diet, my negative self-image, the thought of waking up, the thought of sleeping.

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Heavy

I heard the greatest song today….

It really does speak volumes, I almost feel like Linkin Park snuck in my head and pulled the words right out.  Or maybe they’re watching my blog posts

Click the link and sit back and enjoy

Heavy

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Tired

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I am tired of the hurt.

I am tired of the pain.

I am tired of the sorrow running through my vein.

I am tired of this year.

I am tired of the fear.

I am tired of waiting for the happiness to appear.

I slowly look around at the sights.

I slowly look into the lights

I awake to a warmth in spite of the hurt that once was.

There are tears, shed over many beers.

There is food and there is comfort.

There is a sigh that I no longer have to lie.

For tomorrow has come and I am no longer glum

I am finally free.

Free to be me.

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Strangers

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So many strangers walk by

So many times I want to cry

Wont you talk to me?

Do I not look normal?

I’m not scary, am I?

Empty faces walking to empty places

I sit quietly watching strangers

Closing my eyes

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I’m tired.

I want to close my eyes, but this time forever.

It’s time to say goodbye to the pain, the ups and downs, the medicine, the mood swings.

This hurt should be left behind.

This hurt I wish I could rewind.

Soon it will all be black.

I’ve closed my eyes…this time

forever.

Comfort

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I wake, 1:30 a.m…

The random song, the conversation, the fight, the dog, work, life…it wont stop

2:30 a.m…it wont shut off.

I toss, I turn.  Inhale…Exhale…

Count sheep…pray…try to stay awake…medicine

Nothing works…

Open the crate, she’s my savior.

The warmth of her chest against mine instantly calms me down

On the bed, she presses against me like we are litter mates.

The lick of the face

5:30 a.m….finally

Battlefield

Dead Soldiers from Battle of Antietam

MY MIND

IS 

A

BATTLEFIELD

MY EYES ARE AT WAR

MY HEART IS A P.O.W.

The chase

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Is my darkness here to stay?

Will my darkness ever go away?

I wake each day hoping, praying for light

The light is there.

I run toward it and can never get closer

I run, I’m exhausted, my legs burn…my chest burns…

I destroy all of me and all of everyone around me to get to the light

I cannot get there

I wont get there

I am bound to a darkness that makes me numb

I am bound to a mind that is decaying with each passing moment.

The heart beats

The chest rises and falls

Soon…it will all be gone.

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